oh man...  was zu machen? sie hat mir soooo gehort... aber... ich weiss es nicht was zu sagen... es ist soo scheisse... was ist lost mit dir?! hallo!!!! ich habe nicht zu gehort! ich habe hier gewohnt... und was? ich habe zich sagen...

ich bin done.

done.

frustration

hahaha ich kann auf deutsch sprechen und dann sie nicht reden kann! hahaha. ich bin nicht glucklich jetzt... sie ist eine total schlampe... no verlich!!!! oh mann ich hab so viel angst und ich weiss es nicht was zu machen... gehe ich zu haus? oder bleibe heir? ich hab keine geld zuruck zu bleiben... aber... ughhhh!! fick... ich hab so viel deutsch vergessen. was zu machen? wass zu machen... wie kann eine richtige hubsche madchen so hasslich sein? es macht kein sense. ich vermiss meinen freunden... meine familie und alles... und dann.. ich liebe es hier. was ist los mit mir!? vielleicht bin ich sehr dumm. ja. das ist richtig.

I am not completely sure what is wrong with me... I have been crazy emotional lately and can't quite figure out why I am getting so upset so easily... I just want to be in her arms... I want to be with her because I know that this time is going to end soon.... She has to go back to school and isn't going to be so close anymore... and now I am starting to cry and I don't know why... Its not a big deal!!! She is just going back to school and we are gonna see eachother when we can... I guess I am more fearful that all this progress and feelings that have been an outcome from this break are going to fade away.

I want to be with her so bad. I love her so freaking much... more than a lot of words can say.

I am striving to be the best, the best girlfriend, person and friend that she has ever seen, but in my quest of self perfection I have hit a major road block with one simple question...  Why do I want to be Miss Perfection when I know it is impossible to be so?  Maybe its because I know it will never happen, and I like the comfort of always being able to fall back into my own little world of self pity and loathing, a dark place that many few have actually seen.  In some ways I feel like I am  living two seperate lives... the person I want to be and the person that I am.  The person I want to be is optimistic, fun loving and understanding... and the person I really am... well she is the shadow that is always around.  Everytime the sun is out and I feel the absolute happiest I can still feel her presence... lurking behind me... forever haunting me. I fear the sun setting because I know she will be there... sucking every inch of happiness away that I have managed to grab in the little daylight that I have been blessed with.  I hate her with every inch of my being... but I can't seem to let go of her.  Why do I need her so?... maybe because I am afraid to be happy... all my life I have been single minded to the point of recklessness... always wanting waht I cant have and always getting what I don't want... and when I actually find happiness I always turn it away... wanting and wanting it when it isn't there... and when it is... I am terrfied of loosing my comfort zone... afraid I will wind up hurting someone... and that is my biggest fear... letting someone whom i love get hurt because of me.  I would rather take all the pains of the people I love away and be miserable... and see everyone else happy.  Maybe thats why I feel like my heart is about to explode... because I want so badly to tell her this... but I can't find the words... I love her... so much... I knew I loved her the minute that we had our first kiss... the connection taht sent shocks through my body and sent my head reeling... I hope she understands this... I love her...dearly.